Dear Daddy, Goodbye

This year Daddy would have been 46. And it feels like i was just in his arms yesterday but it will only be a dream. I dream that i have dreamt for the last 19 years. A dream ends the same each and every time with me not being able to say I love you or Good Bye.

I was young yes, but the memories i have of him continuously remind me of he.
For a long time i blamed myself for his death, i blamed my mother, my aunts and uncles, i blamed every one. The night he went out he begged people to go with him. He didn't want to be alone.

I do not think that was too much to ask for.

Even my mother turned him down. I have so many emotions about that. If she would have just gotten up....granted his wish, i would have him.

My father was like a superhero.

but i suppose every hero dies.

attempting to save a damsel

getting shot in the process

with noone to come to your rescue

and im sure when my mother got the call

her heart
was beyond broken
she was so selfish

I blame myself because i saw it
not in a conscious state but it was still a vision

the guy
the girl
the gun

the look on his face as he was hit
the blood that shed as he laid
the pain he felt

i often wonder what his last thought was
was he thinking of me,
my mom
did he know he was dying

my thoughts are all over the place

for a long time after he died i hated him
because he just, left me
with no one to protect me,
no one to wipe my tears away
no one to tell me how pretty i was
no more i love yous
no more "daddys baby is beautiful"

all of this was just
stolen

during my molestation i hated him the most
so many questions
how could you just leave me to be
emotionally and spiritually killed by someone i thought i could trust?

he told me the boogieman never existed
yet i lived with one for years

so many times i just wanted to die

at least i could have him back

i could be the happy little girl i once was

every attempt failed

which at that time made me feel like i couldn't do a damn thing right

i want to know why he had to be taken a way

my sister once told me i was the reason that he died

confirmation

that made me feel like a piece of shit

even till this day those words repeatedly play over and over again like a sad song

i didn't even make the funeral

i wasn't informed until about a week after

i'm aware i have to let go
but its so hard knowing that the only man who will REALLY love you for who you really are

unconditionally

will never be able to show you that love

making an attempt to move on, i wrote him a letter.

Dear Dad,
its me, your baby. i pray this letter reaches you. i hope you are proud of me. words i will never be able to hear. i not only live for myself but i live for you as well. i will admit i feel lost with out you but i know that you are right here with me every step of the way. please continue to hold and protect me, keep me safe, and continue to guide me in the direction i need to be in. i never had a chance to say good bye, and i guess it shouldn't be said. so i will simply say see you later. and i can not wait to be in your arms again. Happy Birthday.
Love you forever and always

this blog is beyond hard for me to write.
but my healing has to begin somewhere
i have so much to say, with no words to put it in
and all i can do is cry

tears that he will never be able to wipe from my face

i do not know when the grieving process will end
its a nightmare i live very often
shock
denial
bargaining
guilt
anger
depression
resignation
acceptance
hope
repeat


they say to give your self time

i've had 19 years and that still isn't long enough

they say talk about it

my mother is still in pain so i have no one to talk to
she hasn't been to his grave since they put him in the ground

i ask that, if you're reading this, please cherish the people that are in your life. they could be gone at any moment.

i have to end my blog here
and i want to end it by saying
i'm not afraid to die
i know he is waiting on me