beneath the surface

when i was younger
i was under the perception that
there was only one way to rid pain

and that was physically

nothing made me feel better than
watching all of my hurt go down the drain

literally

taking the sharpest object i could find
holding my arm out and slicing

in the beginning it was in places no one could see
and eventually i got careless and moved down to my wrist
but no one ever asked any questions or wanted to know where
they came from so that began to make the way i felt worse.

i never cut in an attempt to kill myself
i only cut because i had no way of dealing with my feelings

feelings of being alone
feelings of being afraid
feelings of being hurt
feelings of being disappointed
rage,
sorrow,
rejection,
desperation,
longing,
emptiness.

i felt all of this and no one saw it

especially during the time i was being molested
true story:
before the molestation
my uncle and my molester got into an argument
which lead to a fight

my uncle was about to kill him
right before my eyes
and i begged
and pleaded for him to let him go
give him another chance
the next year the nightmare began
small touches here
kisses there
and it turned into more serious issues
till this day i wonder
if i wouldn't had stopped him...

any who
it wasn't until i was older that i learned
there are other ways to cope with difficulties

i believe that at that time me attempting to cope was overpowered
by all of those emotions hitting me at once

tension built up
and i needed to see it be released

after a while it became compulsive
i had a need to cut
no matter where it was
what is was with
i just needed it out of me

it was like
my mind was connected to that sense of relief
from the bad feelings i had become invoked by

it became an addiction
cutting became my "crack"
lol
not a good way to put it
but
it is what it is
and again
i just wanted to feel better
not end my life
well
not at THAT point i didn't
but there was a time i did
thats a whole nother blog tho


its been about two years since i have cut myself
about nine months since i have thought about it
but now that i am aware that i have other ways to deal with whats wrong
people in my life that really do give a damn
i turn to those two things to rid the pain

i made a promise to myself to never do it again
and i will not break that promise

below i have ways to get help
just keep two things in mind:
1:You're not alone
2:Its not worth it

Getting Help

There are better ways to deal with troubles than cutting — healthier, long-lasting ways that don't leave a person with emotional and physical scars. The first step is to get help with the troubles that led to the cutting in the first place. Here are some ideas for doing that:

1. Tell someone. People who have stopped cutting often say the first step is the hardest — admitting to or talking about cutting. But they also say that after they open up about it, they often feel a great sense of relief. Choose someone you trust to talk to at first (a parent, school counselor, teacher, coach, doctor, or nurse). If it's too difficult to bring up the topic in person, write a note.
2. Identify the trouble that's triggering the cutting. Cutting is a way of reacting to emotional tension or pain. Try to figure out what feelings or situations are causing you to cut. Is it anger? Pressure to be perfect? Relationship trouble? A painful loss or trauma? Mean criticism or mistreatment? Identify the trouble you're having, then tell someone about it. Many people have trouble figuring this part out on their own. This is where a mental health professional can be helpful.
3. Ask for help. Tell someone that you want help dealing with your troubles and the cutting. If the person you ask doesn't help you get the assistance you need, ask someone else. Sometimes adults try to downplay the problems teens have or think they're just a phase. If you get the feeling this is happening to you, find another adult (such as a school counselor or nurse) who can make your case for you.
4. Work on it. Most people with deep emotional pain or distress need to work with a counselor or mental health professional to sort through strong feelings, heal past hurts, and to learn better ways to cope with life's stresses. One way to find a therapist or counselor is to ask at your doctor's office, at school, or at a mental health clinic in your community.

Although cutting can be a difficult pattern to break, it is possible. Getting professional help to overcome the problem doesn't mean that a person is weak or crazy. Therapists and counselors are trained to help people discover inner strengths that help them heal. These inner strengths can then be used to cope with life's other problems in a healthy way.

• Resisting the Urge to Cut
• Things That Might Distract You
• Things That Might Soothe and Calm You
• Things That Might Help You Express the Pain and Deep Emotion
• Things That Might Help Release Physical Tension and Distress
• Things That Might Help You Feel Supported and Connected
• Things That Are Substitutes for the Cutting Sensation
• You Can Do It

also visit To Write Love on Her Arms dot com
love&lite good people