missing daddy

for a long time deep down inside i blamed myself for my fathers death
its like if i would have been there things would have been different and at one point and time in our life we all feel that way. the problem is i don't know how not to feel that way.

i guess since i saw and felt his pain at only five.....i tried to tell and noone listened.....i was states away and not there with him.....i missed the funeral and so on and so on, i can't help it.
it was very late in the night and i was having a nightmare. of someone hurting him
my mother said i broke into a sweat, became very ill, and kept complaining of chest pains.
so she did what a normal parent would do. doped me up on meds and put me to sleep

too sleep
the same sleep that was scaring the hell out of me.
that i couldn't get out of
not even if i wanted to
seeing him lay on the ground
lifeless
with no ounce of breath left.

she said i tossed and turned all night
SO WHY DIDN'T SHE FUCKING WAKE ME UP

lmao
thats what i always ask
not in that tone but damn
hmph

the next night in my dream he was ok. smiling, happy. he gave me the biggest hug and told me how much he loved me and that if i ever needed him he was there.
liar
cause when i got home
he was gone


shot dead

in the chest