beneath the surface

when i was younger
i was under the perception that
there was only one way to rid pain

and that was physically

nothing made me feel better than
watching all of my hurt go down the drain

literally

taking the sharpest object i could find
holding my arm out and slicing

in the beginning it was in places no one could see
and eventually i got careless and moved down to my wrist
but no one ever asked any questions or wanted to know where
they came from so that began to make the way i felt worse.

i never cut in an attempt to kill myself
i only cut because i had no way of dealing with my feelings

feelings of being alone
feelings of being afraid
feelings of being hurt
feelings of being disappointed
rage,
sorrow,
rejection,
desperation,
longing,
emptiness.

i felt all of this and no one saw it

especially during the time i was being molested
true story:
before the molestation
my uncle and my molester got into an argument
which lead to a fight

my uncle was about to kill him
right before my eyes
and i begged
and pleaded for him to let him go
give him another chance
the next year the nightmare began
small touches here
kisses there
and it turned into more serious issues
till this day i wonder
if i wouldn't had stopped him...

any who
it wasn't until i was older that i learned
there are other ways to cope with difficulties

i believe that at that time me attempting to cope was overpowered
by all of those emotions hitting me at once

tension built up
and i needed to see it be released

after a while it became compulsive
i had a need to cut
no matter where it was
what is was with
i just needed it out of me

it was like
my mind was connected to that sense of relief
from the bad feelings i had become invoked by

it became an addiction
cutting became my "crack"
lol
not a good way to put it
but
it is what it is
and again
i just wanted to feel better
not end my life
well
not at THAT point i didn't
but there was a time i did
thats a whole nother blog tho


its been about two years since i have cut myself
about nine months since i have thought about it
but now that i am aware that i have other ways to deal with whats wrong
people in my life that really do give a damn
i turn to those two things to rid the pain

i made a promise to myself to never do it again
and i will not break that promise

below i have ways to get help
just keep two things in mind:
1:You're not alone
2:Its not worth it

Getting Help

There are better ways to deal with troubles than cutting — healthier, long-lasting ways that don't leave a person with emotional and physical scars. The first step is to get help with the troubles that led to the cutting in the first place. Here are some ideas for doing that:

1. Tell someone. People who have stopped cutting often say the first step is the hardest — admitting to or talking about cutting. But they also say that after they open up about it, they often feel a great sense of relief. Choose someone you trust to talk to at first (a parent, school counselor, teacher, coach, doctor, or nurse). If it's too difficult to bring up the topic in person, write a note.
2. Identify the trouble that's triggering the cutting. Cutting is a way of reacting to emotional tension or pain. Try to figure out what feelings or situations are causing you to cut. Is it anger? Pressure to be perfect? Relationship trouble? A painful loss or trauma? Mean criticism or mistreatment? Identify the trouble you're having, then tell someone about it. Many people have trouble figuring this part out on their own. This is where a mental health professional can be helpful.
3. Ask for help. Tell someone that you want help dealing with your troubles and the cutting. If the person you ask doesn't help you get the assistance you need, ask someone else. Sometimes adults try to downplay the problems teens have or think they're just a phase. If you get the feeling this is happening to you, find another adult (such as a school counselor or nurse) who can make your case for you.
4. Work on it. Most people with deep emotional pain or distress need to work with a counselor or mental health professional to sort through strong feelings, heal past hurts, and to learn better ways to cope with life's stresses. One way to find a therapist or counselor is to ask at your doctor's office, at school, or at a mental health clinic in your community.

Although cutting can be a difficult pattern to break, it is possible. Getting professional help to overcome the problem doesn't mean that a person is weak or crazy. Therapists and counselors are trained to help people discover inner strengths that help them heal. These inner strengths can then be used to cope with life's other problems in a healthy way.

• Resisting the Urge to Cut
• Things That Might Distract You
• Things That Might Soothe and Calm You
• Things That Might Help You Express the Pain and Deep Emotion
• Things That Might Help Release Physical Tension and Distress
• Things That Might Help You Feel Supported and Connected
• Things That Are Substitutes for the Cutting Sensation
• You Can Do It

also visit To Write Love on Her Arms dot com
love&lite good people

Self-love trap #1:

Getting stuck in the idea that you're "supposed" to be perfect and know everything

Nobody knows everything. I don't, you don't, your role models don't. Think about it. If you knew everything yourself, you wouldn't have much motivation to bring out the greatness in others, would you? You know ... by allowing them to contribute to you. So even at a social level, it's completely impractical. Watch for these signs that you feel bad about not knowing things:

* You hesitate to ask a question for fear that it will make you sound stupid.

* You hesitate to begin a new project because you suspect you will encounter a step or two that you haven't worked out how to do yet.

* When you do think you know something, you've just gotta jump in and tell everyone -- so they can see that you're not as stupid as you think they thought you were.

As a result clinging to this false belief in your intended perfection, you hold your life back. You stick to the familiar, procrastinating endlessly on new projects so as to not run into situations you don't know how to handle. You rob others ... friends, family, and co-workers ... out of the opportunity to share their own best gifts. Check out these affirmations for embracing natural learning.

* I feel good when others share their gifts of knowledge and understanding with me.

* I love seeing how new projects unfold -- working through each little challenge easily.

* I forgive myself for making mistakes in life, just as I forgive others.

Self-love trap #2: Thinking you're not "allowed" to have what you want.

Most of us encounter limits at some point in our upbringing. It can seem unfair. Yet as an empowered adult, the only real governor on what you're "allowed" to create as your dream world is the set of obstacles you devise yourself. Who knew you were so powerful? This might be you if you find yourself in the following situations:

* You observe someone else having a great success in an area where you feel challenged. Your inside response is "well, that's great for them, but I guess I can't have it."

* Your take on life is that it's a spectator sport. You watch, but don't join in.

* You take stock of your present life and find some major desired items are lacking -- house, job, relationship, etc.

As a result of thinking that the fulfillment of your greatest desires is an off-limits undertaking, you'll set yourself up for ongoing disappointment. You may find yourself in a pattern of setting out to create what you think you can get instead of what you really want. Think about it. Expending all that effort in pursuit of something you don't even want! No wonder things don't go well! Try this instead:

* It is safe to imagine the life I truly desire.

* It's fun to dream of the things I love!

* If I can imagine it, I can create it.

Self-love trap #3: You feel or act as though you're a victim.

This can be a little hard to hear, because most people don't want to think of themselves as victims. Then again, sometimes we do. After all, if all this stuff was done "to me," then it isn't my fault that things went bad.

Here's the power position. When you acknowledge yourself as part of the creative team that brought you to the place where you stand today, you also empower yourself to create something more to your liking. If these life circumstances sound vaguely familiar, you may be on the brink of a whole new way to embrace life!

* You hear yourself saying or thinking "I didn't have a choice. I was forced into it."

* You expend a lot of energy fighting for the right to be who you are, or to be treated in the way you wish to be treated.

* You use ill health or misfortune as a reason to "guilt" others into helping you.

If some part of you thinks you are powerless, you will always be at odds with the inner truth of the personal power that is your birthright. That conflict can create poverty and ill health. It also makes you highly vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Try on affirmations like these to get you started in the direction of embracing your own creative wisdom:

* I am a marvelous creator of life! I embody peace, harmony, and wisdom.

* Peace and beauty surround me. I am Divinely protected.

* I gently flow on the creative wave of my life, taking each bump and crest as an opportunity to learn and prosper.

It's not necessary to fight to be you. Just be!

Elizabeth Eckert coaxes, cajoles, and gently guides the creation of healing intent. She's the founder of http://www.wordcures.com and author of Word Cures: How to Keep Stupid Excuses From Sabotaging Your Health. Begin your self-talk makeover today - it's simple healthy living.

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