missing daddy

for a long time deep down inside i blamed myself for my fathers death
its like if i would have been there things would have been different and at one point and time in our life we all feel that way. the problem is i don't know how not to feel that way.

i guess since i saw and felt his pain at only five.....i tried to tell and noone listened.....i was states away and not there with him.....i missed the funeral and so on and so on, i can't help it.
it was very late in the night and i was having a nightmare. of someone hurting him
my mother said i broke into a sweat, became very ill, and kept complaining of chest pains.
so she did what a normal parent would do. doped me up on meds and put me to sleep

too sleep
the same sleep that was scaring the hell out of me.
that i couldn't get out of
not even if i wanted to
seeing him lay on the ground
lifeless
with no ounce of breath left.

she said i tossed and turned all night
SO WHY DIDN'T SHE FUCKING WAKE ME UP

lmao
thats what i always ask
not in that tone but damn
hmph

the next night in my dream he was ok. smiling, happy. he gave me the biggest hug and told me how much he loved me and that if i ever needed him he was there.
liar
cause when i got home
he was gone


shot dead

in the chest

that allergy

[that allergy]
she
makes
me
sick
to my stomach

the way she acts
brings hives to my skin
like an allergic reaction
making me erase all of her from my
body with out of control itching

the way she looks
makes my throat distend
closing off the circulation of o2
to my brain
which is ok cause it erase past pains

the way she speaks
makes me so hot my
temp accelerates sending me into
dilirium and convulsions
putting me in a state of
severe confusion
which is why i tend to forget that
she
is
me

sending myself into
anaphylactic shocks cause i
refuse to treat myself with
a dose of self love
and
until i do i will forever
be
that
allergy
©Iba O

she cut

[she cut]
friday

round midnight
blade shiny as the sun
from the day before

she
cut

blood rushed
creating a rupture
in her
soul's surface

she
cut

allowing the blood
to escape from
below her exterior

pain pouring

she
cut

forming mountains
of new miseries

she
cut

away at emotional
tectonic plates
that diverged from her heart

she
cut

allowing the anguish
to be stretched and thinned

she
cut

to smile
and feel better than a
minute ago

she
cut

©Iba O