She

She was so....

cute

and i didn't understand
my attraction
but her beauty
made me smile

the prettiest set
of teeth
the brightest eyes
the sexiest body

and for once
i felt comfortable

not once
did it
feel wierd
but
it felt ok

i was attracted to this

woman

with the same
limbs
that i had
the same body parts
that i had
the same emotions
that i had
with the same issue
that i had

a monster
invading our lives

no
she didnt turn me out
i approached her
i was young
and i think i had a bit of game
cause i got her
not knowing
that this was
the begining
of becoming a
'lesbian'

i finally felt
love
or what i thought
was love
or was it
just a sense of
false happiness

must be

i didn't let
it go anywhere
but i did find a new part of me

No Party for Pity

If i may add,

this is not a pity party

i don't need

any sorrow for

what has happened

i am growing

nor do i regret

what happened

i am very strong

enjoy my life

its a gift to us both

Punishment

There is this
constant reminder
of being in trouble
without being in trouble

it was crazy

in order for my sisters and i
to do anything i had to let him
do what he needed to do

this one particular week
we couldn't go to the rec
center unless i allowed him
to use me
as what i called myself
at this time
his 'slave'
i adore my little sisters
so much
and they have no idea of the things
i have gone thru
just to see them smile

any who

he told my little sisters
to go outside
and play in front of the house
i asked if i could go
and of course
the answer was no
but why
what did i do so wrong
that i couldn't go outside?

i was told to go in my room and
wait
and usually when a black child hears that
their about to get their ass
busted wide open with a belt

but instead

he just wanted a nut
he
closed the door to my room
laid me on the floor
and
begin
to
kiss
me
softly
and
the only thing i could think of
is how badly my little sister wanted
to go swing
and get a free lunch at the rec
she was so adorable
so i laid there
and he removed my shirt
kissing my breast
he was so rough
and he liked to bite
but i just laid there

the longer i laid there
the more he took off
he removed my shorts
and then my panties
and massaged around on my clit
and to be so young
it felt strange
but eventually i got used to it
before i knew it
there was a substance
coming from me
and now that I'm older
i know i was just getting wet
but then
i thought it was just pee
lol
and he eased
himself
slowly
inside
and the pain was so unbearable
but she was so pretty when she
smiled
i could feel my walls being ripped apart
and this is the only thing he did slow
often asking me if it hurt
i always said no
to get it over with
and then i was to taught to
to sexy to him
tell
him
how
much
i liked
daddy's
dick
but
he wasn't my daddy
he wasn't my daddy
nor did i enjoy his dick
but he enjoyed my sweet little pus
mmm
and he came
then he left
and i laid
waiting on clearance to get up

and then i bathed
and then i played
pushed my sister so high
in the swing that day
she giggled so hard
and told me she loved me
some words i longed to hear

Peace

Late Night Thoughts

So I can't sleep again
I'm starting to wonder if my life would be different if i would have told about what was going on.

Especially since I think about it so much. It keeps me up now. Late at nights. Early Days. Ok
Here's some of the story::

would come into my room,
not allowing me to say yes or no
but taking what i thought at the time was precious to me

i remember one night
it was dark outside
and he made my sisters
and i hide
its funny how he always found me first
he told us to call him "Mr Deebo"
[I'm gonna write a piece about it]
so any who
when he found me
he would kiss me
but he kept yelling to
the other girls that
he was on his way

but he wasn't
he was there
with me
kissing my neck
grabbing my breast
making me feel
the way he always did

dirty
and in need of a bleach bath

and for a long time
i doubted if there was a God
cause i was only a kid
and i cant
for the life of me
think of what i did wrong
to receive such pain

if there really was a God
why did he let me
hurt the way he did
and not for one or two days
but for years

lol
its funny
every night
before i went to bed
i would pray
and right after i prayed
the lights in the house went off
one
by
one
and then there was silence
and
after the silence
there was a presence

his

..........
I'll be back tomorrow
well
later today